I long to speak
Words elude me
Can you not see it?

It never ends,
the search.
Suddenly the search loses itself,
where, what for? It stops right at the start.

Life goes on. Then its hood emanates from my innards again.
The search begins. "Can I love you?" I ask.
Then suddenly the search stops again.
Suspicion and thoughts take over.
That's only me, so search never ends.
Some people never search. They are calm.

It happens to me when I am alone. Something tugs at my heart and tells me "I am Alone!" Then the struggle begins, I fight the state of being alone. I call other people asking them to join me somehow so that I am not alone, because alone to me means lonely. It reminds of being doomed to loneliness. I am taken to the time when I was small, just seven, when I was left alone at home. I had working parents. I would come to an empty home, just four walls and TV and would stare wondering what to do. Then there was no phone either. I would just stare at everything and fall asleep unknown to me. I hated it, I was scared, I wanted my grandparents. They were far away. I am reminded of those times now, nineteen years of being alone. When I am alone I don't know what to do, there is always work to do like: laundry, write scripts, learn songs, dance, read, but everything eludes me just then. People I talk to say go out, go out where? I have friends but that's not what I want. I like my friends, but I want someone permanent in my life who never leaves me alone. I know there is a huge difference in being alone and being lonely; but both these states make no difference to me. I wonder how how other people like being alone. Most of those people have never been left alone when they were small. This sounds like self-pity; sure it is, but I am sad, sad that I have to be alone. I hate being alone, just like someone around, it helps me work better, think better. I used to tell my mother to stay at home when I had to study during exams because that helped me concentrate better. It is an irony though that when someone is with me I like being left alone to do my own things. Strange, that is what makes me think of Sylvia Plath's quote about wanting two mutually -exclusive things, therefore concluding the neurosis in her. I think I completely relate to that. This is a strange state.
But you know when I say this, this thought comes to my mind; where God tells me that God has always been there with me. That's very true, because God has been there. I cry to God, I laugh to God, I love God. I don't consider myself ritualistic but when I did install a semblance of a small 'temple' in my room, that's when my apartment felt like home. It just made me happy. So God tells me that I have never been alone, because God has always been with me. I am not denying that, but in those very states I look at God as an external entity and cry to Him and Her. I get into blaming my past, looking at that as responsible for my state now, which forces me to cling to someone. I don't really know what to do about this because this state forces me to contemplate marriage. That's the worst solution, and the worst reason to get into a permanent commitment; my brain tells me that and that will not solve the problem either; then what will? I continue to ponder: my "aloneness" is not different from loneliness.

The Dream-prize.

I sink in my dreams
It seems bright, dreams are close-by
Running I go, the trail is never-ending.
It touches me like the wind
But I cannot touch it.
It takes me to water
It seems like I can swim
Little did I know of its depth
I sink with my dreams.
That's the price I pay for dreaming.

Doomed to think!

When does the mind come to a screeching halt?
When you stop thinking.
When do you stop thinking?
When you expect nothing from life.
When do you expect nothing from life?
When you want nothing.
When do you want nothing?
When you have everything you want.
When do you have everything you want?
When you strive for it.
When do you strive?
When you have needs.
When do you have needs?
When you see the world, when you compare.
When do you compare?
When you feel the world around you.
When do you feel the world around you?
The moment you are born.

Erase me, find me.
Erase me, do i remain?
oh, now it is the rubber stubs.
Blow them away, "phooo, phoooo".
That takes away my breath.
"Erase, erase!" I say.
Rub hard, rub fast, this kills
reddens my skin.
"oh! marks. you scarred me.
You were supposed to erase, weren't you?"

What is it that I realize now that I didn't realize then? Why the tagging pain?
There is happiness too. In fact I have never been so happy before. It was your smile that day, something that opened up a world for me. It is a different feeling. I have felt 'being in love' before. This isn't that, those times were different too. But every time I was so unsure, still wondering, but right now, this time, I am not. I am just thinking about you, what will you think, what will you say? Then i wanted to clam myself up, not wanting to let anyone know, but this time, i want to let you know, let you see through this, let everyone know. But what, I wonder. You know that feeling of joy, it just runs through the spine and it stays. Your smile lingers, even in pain. It makes me wake up everyday with the hope of seeing you, of meeting you today, when everything is left to chance.
But that brings me happiness, the anticipation, the fact that I don't know whether you feel the same, but that there is hope. I have never felt so positive before.

Elusive love
in the desert of roses.
Throttling demands
in the bottle of life.
Noose, noose, hangs.
Strangle, God, strangle.
drowned in tears
love, can't you see?
This mesmerizes me
this vanity of life.
Contained in tasks inevitable
dragging along for more
seek me in the woods
where rain parches the earth,
it drains me this search
which the existentialists sneer at,
But I still move on carrying their weight in my heart.

I have been called an extrovert by people close to me but I realize I am not. I feel it in large crowds. I am lost in large crowds especially when it has nothing to do with me. i want to run away and may be hold an intimate conversation with someone, get to know one person at a time. why do i hold back? what makes me this clammed up individual i can never explain. I dont like not knowing what to do. I am always seeking something, running away from something else. This is a strange mix. It confuses me and consumes me, i wish to share it with someone, i just dont know who. I run to God then, that is the only constant factor in my life.

One thing i realised is that girls look at guys at sexual entities too, at least at most of them, there are very few whom you see as friends. It is a definition that you give, that's all.